Tears from a Stranger

I see this same women, day after day at the park when I come to drop off D'Angelo & Adalina at the Parks & Rec - After School Program.  This mom is a reflection of who I was a few short years ago: frantically coping with her perseverating autistic child in public, no time to look up, worry and sadness on her face, but a determination that is unwaving...this is a MOTHER OF AN AUTISTIC CHILD. It is uncanny, I can spot 'em a mile away, as if I'm looking at my past and my present all in the looking glass. It is surreal, really. Like being in an Autism Matrix of sorts. I've wanted to reach out to her, to tell her she's not alone, but who am I to approach a stranger, a mother with her child, assuming he has autism - what if he doesn't, I ask myself?  As if I am trying to kid myself!  Of course he has autism, it's clear. I still hesitate, week after week I see them there on the playground, and week after week, I don't approach. What's my friggin deal?!, I ask myself.  So, Divine Guidance decides for me. I walk onto the playground, smack dab next to her today, and we start small talk. And as if God was saying "Leanna, you needed my help to be guided to her, here you go...", she opens up her mouth and says without hesitation, "my son as autism". I about nearly fell off the park bench. I have never had a mother tell me within a couple minutes of meeting me that their child has autism. "Ok, God, I get it, I see you want me to help her!  Thank you!"  Small talk continues, I share with her that D'Angelo and Adalina have been diagnosed and they were once where he son is now: a state of inconsolable obsession with something he has been told he cannot have, and his tantrums overpower the playground.  I proceed to ask her questions, and share with her my own experiences with Early Intervention and how it helped our little ones function in public, and she is clearly lost in the confusion of the maze of this disorder and all that she has to do to seek help for little Andrew. I tell her that I am here to help her, that I also serve on the Board of Autism in Long Beach, and she begins to cry. A cry only a fellow mother of a child with autism can understand. You see, it's the type of desperation cry us special needs parents seem to display, where our eyes seek help, seek an answer, seek a way out of this unforeseen hell of a circumstance we have unwillingly been thrust upon.  It's a desperation cry, through a look of exhaustion. It's a look I know well, a cry I have cried many a time.  I instantly and instinctually pull this woman, this stranger to me, hugging her, holding her heart close to mine, as if in silence to tell her everything will be ok, I promise.  She looks at me, as if God had placed an Angel in her path, she expresses such. "Let's talk more", I share over Andrew's tantrum screams, "when you get home, and you have a moment to think." She greatfully agrees, asks me for my number, and then my name. At the moment I give her my name, she looks up in amazement, and smiles and says, "my name is LeAnn". "ha, I'm Leanna", I reconfirm. And we chuckle in that "ah ha moment" sort of way.  Ok God, we get it!   Just as I'm about to leave, her son Andrew walks straight up to me, (mind you, he has been tantruming non-stop since we've been there), I bend down to him, he huddles under me like a little lost lamb, puts his arms around me and silently says a non-verbal four year old autistic 'thank you', with purely his energy.LeAnn gasped at the sight, and exclaimed, "oh my gosh, that was amazing". 
Use me God, for I will help whomever, whenever you see fit for me to do so!  God is SO good!

Kindergarten Lunch Segregation - Who's Bullying Now?

And I observed D’Angelo today is his classroom setting and walked with him to the cafeteria. We were doing fine until he headed to sit down, and bypassed his class and sat at the end table, but himself, back to the rest of the cafeteria (see photos above). I had seen him do this before when I picked him up from school a couple months ago, but now his behavior displayed 'routine', as he is was told to sit there, day after day. I trusted his aides, to keep him socializing, NOT to have him sit by himself day after day in the lunchroom, his back to his peers, as if he was being punished. He was conditioned to think it was normal now. I was in shock, and even typing this now – I am beyond hurt. This is exactly why writing my memoir "The Year Autism Kidnapped Me" has taken over two years, because every time I write, I’m brought back to a pain, a mirror to my life, to the instability in the everyday emotions that ensues. Should I trust the teachers, or if I speak up, will I be the “over-zealous” parent who always causes trouble. I don’t want to be “that” person, but I fear I might. It’s times like these that teach us. Teach us how to become empowered. You see, it is one day before the end of the school year, and just now did I decided and take the time to schedule to go observe him in the classroom. And an email ensues (all names have been changed)… Date: June 15, 2012 Re: IBI services From: Ms. ABC To: lana, lrodgers, mary Good Morning Mrs. Rodgers, Lana and Mary, I spoke with you, Mrs. Rodgers, this morning and you expressed concern about D'Angelo being removed from the group during lunch and put at a table by himself. I did not know that my aide was using punishment and had reminded her to use the proactive strategies that we have in place; there is a seating chart for the lunch table AND we have crayons and books for D'Angelo to use when he is done eating. I want the ESY team to be aware of your concerns Mrs. Rodgers, and to know that there are positive strategies in place that DO work for D'Angelo during lunch time (seating chart and preferred items-books and crayons) Mrs. Rodgers, you asked that we hold an IEP addendum to increase IBI services, however; at this time D'Angelo's services reflect his least restrictive environment,and I don't recommend increasing his IBI services to compensate for one adult's bad choice of consequences. With the preferred seating and preferred items (books/crayons) D'Angelo exhibits appropriate behaviors during lunch time. Mary and Lana, you two can look at the structure of the ESY day and decide when his IBI services should be implemented. And I'm sure the aides will be told (reminded if they are the same ones that I have in the classroom) to implement these strategies. I hope ESY is successful for all of you. And wish you all a happy summer. Thanks, Ms. ABC [Reply to all] Email: June 15, 2012 Re: IBI services From: Ms. ABC To: msabc, lana, mary Thank you for the detailed outline, Ms. ABC. I know you have D'Angelo's learning and care in your best interest as has always been evident, and I do agree that one aides bad choice (without your approval nor knowledge) in consequence for D'Angelo is in no way reflective of how you operate your positive and proactive approach to his Learning and Education. Do not be surprised if I take this to Administration, as they should have never left you for one day without a replacement aide, so proper coverage could be continued. In the future, I would like to request that if something is observed from one of the aides in their approach towards D'Angelo (no matter how minut) that it is brought to my attention and/or Ms ABC's attention (or the ESY teacher this summer). I trust Ms. ABC as my extension when D'Angelo is out of my direct supervision. This will ensure this never happens again, because as a mother to witness this on the last two days of school was devastating to me. I am still shaken up by it, even so much as to try and hold back my tears while in the cafeteria yesterday. I agree with Ms. ABC: Mary and Lana, please do advise on how best to split D'Angelo's IBI services for ESY and to remind the aides where necessary. From my heart, I appreciate everyones care for D'Angelo. It does not go unnoticed. Kind Regards and Thank You, -) Leanna This is my teacher, my lesson. To listen to my gut and show up sooner, become more involved, not just trust that things are going as I think they are. To observe, to speak up, to hold others accountable for what they are teaching our children. I think because I am “just the parent”, that they “must know” more about teaching my child, then I do. Let me tell you, when motherly instinct comes into the equation, that is all the teacher I need. And when it comes to these two children – they teach me more than I can handle – 80% of the time. I’m taught to love, when all I want to do is ring their necks. I’m taught to be patient, when I want to rush through the moment. I’m taught to use my imagination, when I just want to cut to the chase. I’m taught to relax, when all I want to do it let my ego stay untight. I’m taught to remain fluid to the situations at hand, when I just want to become a lump of coal. D’Angelo and Adalina, and any child on the autism spectrum, teach us to be accepting, to love, to support, to understand, to open our eyes, to protect, and to know that through the challenges - it is the best teacher. Synopsis: I’ve been a little (no, A LOT!) ticked off – hurt, angry. Even through this pain, I feel empowered, as though God had it in his plan all along. When does the hurt and anger turn to resolve for you, and do you see it as a part of the bigger plan for you and your life?

Preview of Kidnapped, Eyes Wide Open

A dear friend, Vanessa, came for a visit tonight. Amidst our chat of her upcoming tour to Peru, I'm looking up my book to maybe share a chapter with her, she says "how's your book coming?". Inside, I thought...well, this is divinely guided, for sure. So I opened my mouth and started reading away to her. By the end of the chapter, she gazed at me in amazement - Eyes Wide Open, and my reaction was amazement as well. She was intrigued, I wrote what she didn't expect from me. I moved her and it was a glimpse into my readers eyes (as if I was a foreshadowing fly on the wall of every home my book is going to reach - far and wide). I saw my future, this character "Author Leanna Rodgers", was sitting here, sharing secrets, of a memoir. It was a mirror being held up in front of me. What a blessing this moment was, to give her an earful, my heart through my writing, for she is the first person I have dared to share and read portions of my book to, and ask her opinion of what she heard. For this, I am greatful! And now off to the Literary Agents.

Leveraging Your Network Event

I am co-producing a special speaker event and workshop: Leveraging Your Network. There many ways to leverage your network. Join me, as I share my insider tips and trends that have proven to work. CLICK HERE FOR TICKETS (register early $10 before May 15th!)

my article "The Year Autism Kidnapped Me" featured on the COVER of Mom's Advice Magazine, including a two-page spread inside. Such a blessing!

It Takes A Village - help a Mother Out, Already!

Your Kids Have Autism?...Really?

This question has come up in more than one conversation recently, so maybe it's time to chat about it.  When you look at our two little ones, at first encounter, one doesn't think they have observed anything out of the ordinary. They say, "oh, I just thought they were shy (or bad mannered, if they're having a bad day or hour or minute, what have you).  I have gotten into unexpected verbal altercations with other moms at the park or in the supermarket (more on that 'episode' later...ha!), because of this misjudgement by the public, at large.  This is probably much more difficult to navigate, as a mother dealing with public interaction with our children, then say, a child that is clearly disabled, what have you, all because, we, as humans, go on 'first impressions'.  When we don't visually see anything that shows a child is 'special needs', then we just assume that the parents have not taught the child manners or something of that nature. It's up to us, as a society to be open, and tolerant to all situations, especially in children.  I have embraced the misconceptions, by others, and it's my job to share, to relate, to educate and pass on what I have learned myself.  It's a big job, and I take it fully to heart, because I never know what I have opened up my heart to share, will have an impact on someone in the future, that I may never meet.

Our 3rd Child is Our 1st

Ok, so I know it may seem odd, but we never had a normal parenthood, I wasn't the Mommy who experienced those "normal" infant milestones.  Our 3rd child comes along 11 months ago, we call him Jaden, and he has given us a gift, as much as D'Angelo & Adalina's gift of Autism has been to us.  Polar opposite experiences, with amazing insights on both ranges of child development.  What was it like to have a child wave bye bye, to clap at 10 months and mumble the words, cla, clap.  Miguel (my husband) & I were cracking up last night because Jaden was blabbling on and talking to D'Angelo, and D'Angelo was cracking up...you know, that infectious child laughter. It was as if they met, soul to soul, no words needed, just babble!  It was at that moment that Miguel & I acknowledged that this was the 1st time we have experienced what a "regular developing" (whatever THAT is) infant is like. Miguel confirmed, "yeah, you think D'Angelo & Adalina are hard, ha!, watch out, Jaden is the one we gotta watch out for!"  And we laugh, we bonded over our amazing journey together.  Jaden has shown us.  I know it may seem simple, but when you didn't experience this with your first two, at this age, well it's an awakening.  But let's hold up here: on the flip, and in reflection: why is it so important to us, as parents, to connect with our children on these simple, yet profound reflections of ourselves.  That's the lesson. You see, with Autism, our children on 'the Autism spectrum", don't always give us those milestones, at what is thought to be the 'normal' developmental stages.  And we are left to think, what's wrong?  I'll tell you what: what's REALLY wrong is that we can't relate, so that leaves us to question ourselves, thinking it's about us, because boo hoo, our autistic child won't look us in the eyes, won't communicate their feelings in words. I say...get over it, take action, look within.  Life doesn't ever give us anything we can't take.  Come on, let's be honest here: we pride ourselves in our children, for whatever selfish reasons.  Maybe it's time to look at our children as a gift to the world, not for our own selfish pride.  As so many times, when there is an Autistic meltdown in the middle of a public place, I know I have become self conscious, due to my two autistic children.  I'm over being this way, as I learned through my spirtual teachings: you can only control your response to circumstance, you cannot control others reactions to that circumstance.  So, thank you, Mr. Jaden for your gifts, and for reminding me that it's not about me. 

It's Your Turn.
What do you think?  Do parents have the right to claim pride in their child? Do think it's self-promoting?
Please do share your opinion in the comments box below.

4am Clarity in The Stillness

What does one do when one awakes at 3:22am...hmmm, futz around on Facebook ('cause goodness knows, I no longer have the time I use to, for what 'use to be' regular FB interaction during the course of my busy day...was that a run on sentence?, hehe).  So, I'm up.  Usually when this happens, there is something deeper trying to surface into my energy field. Well, it happened!  I have to thank Yvonne Tuchscher, check her out: www.resplendentdayspa.com - Amazing Total Body Work-Massage-Stretching - clearing of stress!...all in One!, you must have her work on you! ) for being a true friend & support and sending me a link on FB to this Dr. (www.beatautismnow.com) that will be speaking live stream tonight on: www.naturalhealth365.com. You see, I have been having this very strong vision and consistent inner talk about a cure for D'Angelo & Adalina's Autism (something I had started researching awhile back when they were first diagnosed and then halted continuing alternatives due to financial means, as you might not know...health insurance does NOT cover alternative medicines for Autism, what a shocker!)...and now my thoughts have manifested the answer, at 4am, God, the Divine (whatever you want to call it), has lead me to The Answer!  Just Lead The Way...I will follow!  Blessings abound. My God!  This happens to me every week: when I open myself to any and ALL possibilities, I am showered with Greatness, Love, Positive Answers!  So, the next time you awake at 3am...Sit In The Stillness, seone or Some Thing is trying to help you Reach Clarity!  And SO it Is!  Love & Light, my friends!

It's Your Turn.
What do think? Is there clarity in the stillness of an early morning time for you? Do you constantly think of something you desire and it come to fruition? Share your experience and insights in the comments box below.

Being Open & Receptive

I have to say, the minute I went viral with the preview of my book, my story, and really being open to this journey from a public perspective - the last people I thought, have surfaced and come to the table with guidance, stories, friends of friends who they want to connect me with, avenues of sharing my book, ideas, help, and so on. I was so private about this for so long. Why? Did I fear what other people thought of me, my children, my family, did I want to keep up outward appearances - so we could glide along, somewhat unnoticed. Mabye a little bit of it all. A TERRIBLE emotional cocktail. Why do we do this to ourselves. Walking around as if no one shares in the same pain, fear, whatever it may be. It's time for us to get honest with our story, to share it and to know that what we share is used to heal, to enlighten. Enough with "status quo"...really! And you know really taught me to not "care" what others think and to live life OUTLOAD - D'Angelo and Adalina, the two angels, who, through their Autism, really don't pay attention to outward circumstances....wow, what a lesson!

Nature Serves Them

A simple and unexpected walk at our local nature park, set D'Angelo & Adalina on a time of exploration.  For parents of three, two of which are on the autism spectrum, to escape, and let them run, explore and just BE, was a lesson in nature itself!  No one to tell them what to do, no strangers onlooking at their hyperactivity, just them, the trees, the paths, the freedom to be...and ironically, they were calmer than ever.  They understand their roots and look to nature to guide them.  Nature, the best remedy!

Writing

Why do I find it such a challenge to sit down and type it up in my book, get it out, move my thoughts, down through my fingers and onto the manuscript. I'll sit and send hundreds of emails out - words that will probably be forgotten tomorrow, next week. Tasks, to-dos, follow-ups, thank yous, the email response are endless. Writing is a discipline, a "schedule it / or forget it" focus. Call it the distractions of everyday "kids with autism", the from sun-up to sun-down continual needs of these children of my energy, and if I do stop to write, really focused writing, I run the risk of the two lovely ones tearing the house apart...and then I am back to square one. I will prevail, my writing will get out, my book with reach those in need! Breathe!

The Book - a Preview

Open publication - Free publishing - More autism

SSI - yet more paperwork!

ADALINA LUNA. We left the State Ordered SSI - "Mental Exam" (IQ test - for short) for Adalina today with a feeling that these "standardized" tests to determine whether or not our daughter has been formally diagnosed correctly, is just another means to "try" to make me feel like my daughter is below average. I sat there watching this psychologist ask my four year old Moon Angel, question after question, holding back my tears! OK...go ahead, try to assess her as "Below Average" for her age. The State couldn't see in the original IEP reports that she has Autism and that she's in special education, receiving daily assistance from her Special Ed TEAM of teachers and experts?! What in the reports make you need to refer us to "your" state approved doctors? Her teachers tell me she is amazing and progressing beyond belief, and that she is a wonderful little girl! I should be so proud! Fine, I'll go through the "motions", if that's what they need, in order to get Adalina the help and support she needs.